I made shit happen today. I easily could have taken the shitness I felt this morning and done what I had done countless times before and just wallowed in it for the rest of the hours. But today I didn't. I got my shit together, got the coffee shop, and I breathed new life into my company. I can finally say we're on our way to delivering our first product. My god, it feels so good. I didn't think it would actually happen, but it's happening. And the reason why it's happening is because:
- The work I had accomplished today
- The fact that I stopped giving any fucks about anything.
Holy Shot can fail miserably and that'll be it. Maybe it'll crash and burn terribly and I'm gonna lose all hope in starting a company. Yet, I don't think that's gonna happen. In fact, I think this is going to give me the passion I so badly want. Once I start selling, Once I start feeling what it feels like to be a true entrepreneur, I'll be completely and totally addicted. Fuck it. Seriously, fuck it. What am I gonna lose? 1,000 bucks? That's fucking nothing. The possibilities are endless for success. I don't know where I'll end up once I finish this. I might be on top of the world by the end of it. It's the firs time in my life where I am harnessing an opportunity that, unlikely as it may be, has potential to make me literal millions of dollars. Every other time in my life, whether it was the short stories, or the theater, or the fundraisers or school or anything, they were all great opportunities but they didn't have this kind of radical potential. They aren't able to give me the incredible life I desire so badly. None of them came close, to be honest. This is the only thing that matters. It's this feeling of putting in maximum effort because the worst case scenario for it is that I taste greatness, pick myself up, and try again with more experience and skill than ever before. Holy Shot is the beginning of the journey, the end of the journey, and the journey itself. It is everything I want life to be. It is completely and utterly the world. I didn't realize it before because I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to give myself the opportunity to risk it all and fail. Because I was so afraid. I was afraid to know what I will become when I put everything on the line. Now I know that what I was avoiding was the possibility of success. Because success IS fear. People who avoid fear avoid the risks that success requires.
So it begins now. It's gonna be scary as shit and I'm probably gonna go through more of the same bipolar motherfucking mood swings and depressive episodes than ever, but hey, at least I'm used to them already. I know that this is who I need to be. I'm completely fucking aimless otherwise. Seriously, it's like when I don't have something consuming my mind constantly, I just feel fucking dead.
I thought of a pretty relevant idea recently. What it comes down to as is that I work best in discomfort. I feel very uncomfortable when I'm comfortable. I despise feeling like there's nothing to do because there is always something to do and so I know that I'm lying to myself. And that's some bullshit, man. I always need to work. That's when I'm relaxed. When I'm on the treadmill, or in the middle of a bench press set, or writing a blog post, or thinking of a short story idea, that's when I can feel the comfort fall over me and that's when I can lose myself. That's when the mind turns off and the genius turns on. Because I am a genius, and I can admit it freely, because it's fucking true and I'm convincing myself it's true no matter what. Fuck it, life is way too short to not love yourself exorbitant amounts.
bobby bitch, bitch I'm bobby bitch.
Kanye west is the greatest person in the world. He has influenced me more than my own father. Without Kanye, I would be much more aimless than I am now. He has given me the go-ahead to love myself and to create my dreams. I will owe everything to him.
Now that I know what this feels like, I need to remember to cultivate it. It's one thing to feel this beautiful emotion once a year, but it's another thing entirely to make it a lifestyle. To make it an identity. To take it and make it your own. That's the challenge and that's the most difficult thing about it. Anybody can be inspired because it's fucking passive. You barely control the fact that you get inspired. It's another thing to make yourself get inspired every fucking day for the rest of your life. So that's it. What else is there to say?
It's time to life your life, Zig. It'll be tough but you've gone through much tougher shit. Honestly, by the end of it, you'll think it was cake.
Well, probably not. But if it helps to pretend it'll be like that, go for it, I don't care. As long as you perform. And you will.
